Friday April 6th, I went to the ER at about 6pm for bleeding. After 5 hours, with tests and ultrasounds we were informed that our baby had died. I am so very thankful to all those who sent us well wishes and congratulations on our pregnancy. Thank you so much for helping us celebrate his life no matter how short it seemed. He was very much loved. It’s amazing how short a time it takes to fall in love with someone. I know that this is why so many wait till the 2nd trimester to tell people, but for me it would not have changed how I felt and at least now people can understand why I am acting the way I am. I wanted to celebrate his tiny little life, not hide it and worry about what might happen. Given the choice I would do it all over again. I sit here very devastated at the loss. I feel angry and confused. I feel distant from people. Not to mention the physical pain I am going through with the miscarriage. I have been through surgeries and the likes but nothing holds a candle to this pain. I am very grateful I have some pain pills. I am grateful to my mom who took me to the ER that night and was with me the whole time, I appreciate the support she has given me. Also I am thankful I had Jen, who has been there for me with every worried text I sent her, she was there with knowledge and support. Thank you not letting things surprise me. And to my husband, who I know is having a hard time understand and relating to me. I know this is not easy on you either, but thank you for helping me as much as you can. They say to move back up the emotional scale you must know where you are on it first and take small steps or you will be knocked back down to the bottom. I know I am past hopeless, and have now moved to anger and frustration. There is still sadness, but it is not disabling anymore. I am taking a few days off work for health issues as I go through this and the emotional healing that I need to do as well. Most the time things are not bad, until I remember something. Like that he was going to be born in the year of the black dragon which was lucky, or a commercial with something I wanted to do with him. I think it will be this way for a while, but I am hoping in time it will become easier. Thank you again for all the love and support I have received. It does help.
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