An Update on our Baby.

Friday April 6th, I went to the ER at about 6pm for bleeding.  After 5 hours, with tests and ultrasounds we were informed that our baby had died.  I am so very thankful to all those who sent us well wishes and congratulations on our pregnancy.  Thank you so much for helping us celebrate his life no matter how short it seemed. He was very much loved. It’s amazing how short a time it takes to fall in love with someone. I know that this is why so many wait till the 2nd trimester to tell people, but for me it would not have changed how I felt and at least now people can understand why I am acting the way I am.  I wanted to celebrate his tiny little life, not hide it and worry about what might happen.  Given the choice I would do it all over again.   I sit here very devastated at the loss.  I feel angry and confused.  I feel distant from people.  Not to mention the physical pain I am going through with the miscarriage.  I have been through surgeries and the likes but nothing holds a candle to this pain.  I am very grateful I have some pain pills.  I am grateful to my mom who took me to the ER that night and was with me the whole time, I appreciate the support she has given me.  Also I am thankful I had Jen, who has been there for me with every worried text I sent her, she was there with knowledge and support.  Thank you not letting things surprise me.  And to my husband, who I know is having a hard time understand and relating to me.  I know this is not easy on you either, but thank you for helping me as much as you can.  They say to move back up the emotional scale you must know where you are on it first and take small steps or you will be knocked back down to the bottom.  I know I am past hopeless, and have now moved to anger and frustration.  There is still sadness, but it is not disabling anymore.  I am taking a few days off work for health issues as I go through this and the emotional healing that I need to do as well.   Most the time things are not bad, until I remember something.  Like that he was going to be born in the year of the black dragon which was lucky, or a commercial with something I wanted to do with him.  I think it will be this way for a while, but I am hoping in time it will become easier.   Thank you again for all the love and support I have received.  It does help.

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8 Comments

  1. Oh, biggest hugs, sweetie. There really isn’t anything that anyone *can* say to help you right now, but we have to say *something* to let you know that you’re not alone. Feel free to email me if you ever want to rant at someone who won’t be hurt by your need to vent – I remember one of the hardest things was trying NOT to snap and be angry at my husband, because he was hurting, too, and I didn’t want to just rant because it would make him feel guilty, which he totally didn’t deserve…but sometimes you just need to rant at SOMEONE. So I’m offering to be a listening ear. If you want to email, if you want to call (email & ask for my phone number, I’m totally okay with that!) … I know you don’t know me from a hole in the wall, but I’ve been pregnant 12 times and given birth to 7 kids, 2 of whom died in a car accident when they were 8 & 10 years old. So I’ve got experience with nearly the entire gamut of life & death of kids, and while I don’t have a counseling degree, I am an ordained minister. I won’t feel insulted either way, of course; some people would never ever talk to a stranger about such things, but for some people it’s a great help…and I just wanted you to know that if you needed, the option’s there.

  2. I am so so sorry. Feel your pain, don’t hold it in. Let it out so it doesn’t haunt you. Honor the life you carried and when you are ready, the joy will come back into your life. Good luck.

  3. My heart hurts for you. I, too, lost a baby to miscarriage at about 8 weeks. I will pray for you and your family.

  4. Ashley, firstly I just wanted to offer you my sympathy and to let you know that people are thinking of you and your family. I also wanted to say what a beautiful and eloquent post this is. I have never been pregnant myself so I cannot imagine what you are going through but so many times women hide a miscarriage away as if it should be a secret. Your honest approach is so refreshing and as this is something that so many women go through, I’m sure you have helped others and I hope it has been cathartic for you too. Take your time as you need it, we are all her for you.

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